Tiptoeing to the Edge of Belief. A Note From Jan. Jud's Journal Entry Forty-three
Jud’s deodorant
like some artifact
or lost treasure
open
releasing memories
scent of Jud
in the morning
fresh showered
dressed
ready for the day.
He was a “This is the day the Lord has made
I WILL rejoice in it and be glad” kind of man.
Most days, I need a little more help.
Especially today.
Coffee helps.
Wailing, like some pathetic hound,
I slather on some of that Jud-scent
breathe
not up for morning
not ready to tear into the thicket of this day
I wonder
can a whiff keep me running
towards something worth pursuing
away from that void once filled by one good man?
Feel so aware of the sting of death. I know the verse, “O death where is thy sting?!” It’s here. One stung heart limping along. Don’t check me for arrhythmia.
God, if I believed that this was it. No more when this life is over. Jud gone. for EVER No great gathering someday up there or wherever heaven is no SEEING of all I’ve been BELIEVING by faith no YOU
unbearable
But stop
take a whiff of memory
sweet
sobbing
memory
then faith the day
or so I say
pep talking my way into another day without Jud
What’s next?
Move.
I hear Mama’s friend Lena singing, “We walk by faith and not by sight. We move one step at a time.”
Move, then. Do the duty or delight at hand …
Plan Jud’s memorial service (Thank you, Greg, Sandy, Jamie, Gaynelle, Judy, Lisa, Patty)
Take out Christmas dishes (Thank you, Marty) pay bills (Thank you, Jud) listen to Christmas and Easter music (Thank you, Doc) hang a wreath (Thank you, Megan) sip a cup of tea with a slice or two of Mama’s Julekage, a Norwegian Christmas bread (Thank you, Chrissy) fasten my Brighton heart necklace (thank you, Arlyne) hug a soft quilted handmade heart (thank you, Melva). I love hearts…part of my Scandinavian DNA. read The Lion and the Bird, a tender children’s book (thank you, Shauna)
Inch on by faith. As another hound pads along after me, after each of us
The “Hound of Heaven,” as British poet Francis Thompson saw Christ
Relentless pursuer of all He loves
that’s me
that’s you
the world
That hound tore the deadly poison from the stinger.
Death still stinks and stings
but doesn’t win
no buzzer beater lurks
I believe that. It just doesn’talways feel that way.
I believe death can’t keep a good man down
or woman or child forever
Not because any of us is so good
but because of what Jesus did
on a day that looked bad
but turned out to be GOOD
Good Friday. (Thank you, Jesus.)
a Jud-nudge
to slow down
breathe
again
LIFE
fresh
“God’s mercies… new every morning”
faithful
faith FULL
or just a speck of faith
tiny like a mustard seed
So I tiptoe this morning
with my speck
to the edge of belief
and leap again
The NET holds.
There’s LIFE
AFTER all.
Thanks be to God.
13 Comments
Thank you, Jan, for teachings that come from your heart. I am learning your way of love from your entries - Jesus' way of love shown through you.
Jan, We at the CBMW are so grateful to read your words. You have a true gift of speaking your heart. We are happy to have you come back to do your workouts - Jud would be so happy about that! We know how very hard it is to continue on...but please know we are here to help and hold up your arms - and help strengthen them for the years to come. We miss him with you - very much, and will always see him working hard on the elliptical while you worked out on the bike. So keep coming back and we will help you keep moving forward.
A huge hug from all your CBMW friends!
phew. Thank God for the NET.
amen.
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away.”
Revelations 21:4
Faith, Hope and Love.
We love you and Can't wait to hug you and laugh... and cry... with you.
God is with you, He carries you!
"He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart" Is. 40:11.
Much love, many hugs, ceaseless prayers for you!!!!
Beautiful gropings. A day at a time; "sufficient unto the day is the anxiety thereof..."
Thank you, Jan for your honesty; your sharing with us the reality of your loss. The way you connect your life and what you are going through with God and your faith is such an encouragement to remind us that the One who is the way, the truth and the life gives us life and is Emmanuel, God with us. Faith does not have to be hugh and grandiose. It is leaping and leaping again as you put it. One step at a time. It is the only way to do it. Thank you for giving us this important witness. It is more helpful than one can imagine.
Praying for and loving you Jan.
Beckie (& David)
Jan, Yours is always the first email I look for each day; even though I know I will cry. You have allowed each of us a window into your grief and in someway we grieve with you, although certainly as Sue says, it's small compared to yours. Never the less, it is such a privilege to continue walking on this journey with you. We thank you and daily pray for you. Much love, Lyn and Tom
Sending love and healing prayers for your broken heart. xxoo
Thank you, Jan, for your words that teach us and comfort us as we grieve with you. Our loss feels big, but it's small compared to yours. God is teaching you how to process this empty place in your life where Jud lived big and moving forward without him. It hurts just to say that ... but I'm learning from you and you are blessing all of us with your honesty and faith, even when it feels shaky. God bless YOU this day, dear Jan, and in all the days yet to come. We are eager to give you a big hug when we see you in January. Our love, Bob and Sue
Thanks for continuing to write and share the journey. We love your honesty - and we are thankful for what we are learning by reading and praying.
Jay & Barb
Jan, your words, honesty, faith and testimony always encourage and inspire! I am praying for you daily, my friend. Here's a hug which I hope soon to give you in person! Love you so much!
Thanks, Jan. If it's any consolation, you're normal. And that's good, because if you tried to convince yourself that there is no sting, it would be self-delusion. Thanks for being so honest about your struggle. Believe me, it's reassuring. And you've got your focus where it should be, where God wants it to be.
Love from us both, David and Joyce