"What is 'fine'?" A Note From Jan.

January 14, 2015 · posted by Martha Stout

“Register #3’s open.” The announcement at Marshall’s sent me scurrying to pay for the shoes I’d picked up for Kate. She needed shoes. Growing fast. After I’d placed the shoes on the counter, the clerk asked, “How are you today?” I lifted my head and mumbled, “Fine, thank you.”

Big lie!

I haven’t been fine for weeks. What is “fine”?

I just keep moving. Buzzing about.

Clean up. Dress up. Lift up. Until I can’t.

Chad called. “Mom, can you give me the time line after Dad went in for surgery on August 12th?” Took out the journals. Three logs. Chronicles of months, minutes moments. Stamped indelibly on mind and heart.

Talking pages. Telling tales.

Lord, have mercy.

Unlike Jud, this lump I have is not cancer but grief

Stricken with a lump of grief.

Can the Potter form something useful, even beautiful, from lumps of grief?

Carol Taylor — January 15, 2015

Wish we could be there for the joyous celebration of Jud 's life and legacy. Love to you and all.

Carol Taylor — January 15, 2015

My mom said the very very worst question to ask was: " How are you doing ?" There is no answer.

Ellen Willis — January 15, 2015

The Willis clan is sending you and your family lots of love and healing thoughts and prayers. I wish I could be with you all to celebrate Jud's life at the memorial service this weekend. The spirit will be there! My love and hugs to each of you, especially to you dear one

Raquel Lopez — January 14, 2015

Yes, God can make the most beautiful jar of any lump. You are His preciuos treasure. We love you!!

"Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart is restless, until it rest in Thee." St Agustine

"Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted"
Matthew 5:4.
Hugs

Jean & Tom Askew — January 14, 2015

Jan, your are more fine (finer?) than you think or you wouldn't be out at Marshall's buying those shoes for Kate, in spite of the lump of grief. Your actions and writing testify to a heart willing to experience all that life and death deliver and still put one foot in front of the other, and do the next thing, by the amazing grace of the God you love. Be encouraged. You are doing "fine" and the beautiful thing is already begun. We can all see that although you don't feel that way. Love, j

Alice Shea — January 14, 2015

I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this so that God could speak to me!
I can not say I know how you feel - I've never been married, but I can say my heart hurt for you because the love of your life is not here "in the flesh" to give you a hug!

Rita Dove — January 14, 2015

I understand, Jan. Praying for you.

Mary Macaluso — January 14, 2015

The potter does beautiful work with lumps but the process is painful. Praying for you as you find yourself once again on the wheel as HE works out the bubbles and forms what He wills from your grief. It will be an even more grace-filled YOU. Love you!!!

Peggy Hothem — January 14, 2015

Jan, for all of us who read your words of honest grief, you have already given us beauty. Thank you for sharing your lumps of grief. Praying for light to shine from all of those lumps. Love and many prayers

Patricia McKay — January 14, 2015

I think of you often, Jan...so wish I could be there Saturday (hard to leave Peter for too long at this point—difficult to make adequate arrangements). But when I asked about it, I was relieved to get the message back that it will be live-streamed and video-taped. I will be there in spirit and heart—and watching from here. Praying for you and your family especially the next few days. Best blessings and hugs!

wendy lane — January 14, 2015

Yes He can! And He IS, and He will! Oh how He LOVES you! Blessings and prayers and hugs dear Jan.

Kaye Cook — January 14, 2015

This entry makes me think of Jud's big shoes. Kate could fit several of her shoes inside of his. I'm sending shoe-fuls of love your way tonight.

Susan Curry — January 14, 2015

Yes He can!!! I cannot wait to see you and wrap my arms around you! Love you with all my ❤️