Loneliness Slips in With the Cold. A Note From Jan.
Breakfasted with my friend this morning. Been awhile. Good to catch up. Then headed to the college to work off the crispy bacon…or convince myself I had. Interesting and challenging to be back in this corner of New England. Winning the Super Bowl’s the hottest thing to happen around here since late September, but not hot enough to melt mountains of snow, ice dams on roofs or lethal icicles.
Love living in a part of the country, however, where you can still find Christmas wreaths and evergreen wrapped lampposts, aging but doing their best to add muted color to this greyed down winter. One hopeful soul stuck a sign in their snowdrift, “I wanna cut grass.”
Took a trip to the grocery store for a touch of spring: Asparagus, avocados, tomatoes, fresh flowers, blueberries and strawberries…from faraway places. The only thing we’re growing is snow. Piles of it.
Tonight loneliness slipped in with the cold. The frozen landscape seemed to match how chilled I felt. If I’d yelled, family and friends would’ve come to rescue me with their good company. But Jud was the one I wanted to sit beside, to talk about this day and the next, or just enjoy the silence that settles. The kind of comfortable silence that comes from years of being together. Kissed Jud’s picture more than once, then took my supper into the snuggery to eat. A cozy space and the warmest room in the house.
As I slumped into Jud’s usual chair, meal on a tray, feeling older than I wished, an old song slipped in, “‘Come and dine’, the Master calleth, ‘come and dine.’ You can feast at Jesus table any time. He who fed the multitude, changed the water into wine (take note, my Baptist friends). To the hungry calleth now,’come and dine.’” And I, so hungry, hurried. Made me smile at the thought of Jesus and me feasting together in the snuggery. Avocado and tomato salad, baked potato, ground beef patty cooked with onions. Nothing strange happened. My glass of water stayed water (shoot!).…just aware that I wasn’t alone. No longer beside myself.
7 Comments
My heart aches for you, Jan. So grateful for your transparency—a gift to all of us.
Last week a pipe that was not put together well burst upstairs and destroyed our living and dining rooms. In the midst of adjusters, chaos and mess, I am still stunned but trying to rest in Jesus. One day at a time...
His grace is great enough to meet the great things
The crashing waves that overwhelm the soul,
The roaring winds that leave us stunned and breathless,
The sudden storm beyond our life’s control.
His grace is great enough to meet the small things
The little pin-prick troubles that annoy,
The insect worries, buzzing and persistent,
The squeaking wheels that grate upon our joy.
—Annie Johnson Flint
Oh Jan, this note brought tears to my eyes as my heart reached yours - I hate to eat alone. It was my greatest fear when going off to college where I knew no one and it is still what I avoid if at all possible. However, I loved the perspective you have been given on dining in the heavenlies with Jesus and those who gather around. The tender heart of all who hurt desiring to eat again with those we love, I know well, having lost 4 of my favorite people to death in the last 5 weeks. It has been a hard cold month.
Precious Jan, I love you! Jesus loves you more!!! Hugs
I am so proud of you, Jan, for your adjusting (as well as you do) to winter and warmth, life and death, loneliness and togetherness. But most of all for continuing to listen to His still small voice and finding comfort.
I love the mischievousness in you :) I don't like the loneliness one bit. Thankful for your faith that lets you know Jesus is with you. Your dinner sounds delicious! <3
We Baptists still think it was grape juice! Our biblical literalism is selective! We'd be glad to have you send snow to MN. We have bare grass in too many spots for this time of year. We're sorry we sent extra snow to you - but not sorry to send our love to you.
Jay & Barb
Love your transparency, Jan ... I can picture each thought as if I were there with you. Next time you go to the grocery store, pick up a bottle of Jud's favorite wine. You both will be smiling ... me too. :)