Until. A Note From Jan.

So fast. This life but one small dash between birth and death.

Today marks six months since the death date struck an exclamation point at the end of Jud’s life. And a question mark at mine. Not why? But how?

How do I go on when for more than fifty-one years we were one? Well, most of the time.  Except when I’d dig in my heels and spew forth my “gift” of advice and insight, or so I thought.  Or Jud would give me one of those looks, followed by a few irrefutable words, or so he thought. “Two become one” over time. And we had time, thank God. Still, some days the sadness settles in, wrapping me in grief so thick it’s hard to breathe.  Until.

I do thank God for the “until” of life. and death. Until…we meet again. Until…the storm passes. Until…”we all get to heaven.” Until…those sinking-dark-fearful-lonely-moments get snatched from the brink by the grace-filled grip of gratitude. Moments, mere moments, brought up short. When I choose, as much as it’s in my hands, to live! To live without Jud.

My brother, Ralph, flew back to North Carolina yesterday, the last of family and friends to leave after joining me for an extraordinary Commencement weekend at Gordon. More on that another day. Today, it’s a sit and stare kind of day. To watch waves lap, bumblebees flit, sun and clouds play hide and seek. To remember what was. Who was. Jud. Then do that which comes naturally. Cry. Until.