'One Flesh' Hurts. A Note From Jan.
Been in a funk over leaving CaringBridge and remembering too well all that was happening to Jud and our family one year ago. I know I need to move from CB but can’t seem to do what I need to do to make it happen right now. To all of you who wait and watch, stay tuned to this site for now.
Maggie and Kate and I had a sleepover on Saturday night. Time with those two munchkins transports me to the land of Ahhs. Nothing noteworthy happened at church with them…no WHISPERED pleas for warm kleenex. Though Kate WHISPERED during the sermon something I couldn’t quite hear, so I just smiled and pretended I knew what she was talking about. She persisted so I just shook my head…not sure why. Finally, she cupped her hands to her mouth, after pulling my head to her lips and WHISPERED, ”Don’t you know which is your bad knee?” Well, now the church knows I’m not only lame but deaf! She wanted to know so she could sit on the other knee. Thoughtful but loud!
As we walked to the front for communion, I noticed Kate’s shoes were on the wrong feet. She’s a free spirit like her Dad. Patrick preached from Ephesians 6:10-20, so I thought especially about, ”As shoes for your feet put on whatever will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace.” Pink sneakers on backwards certainly qualifies as a conversation starter. Softer approach than, “If you were to die tonight, do you know where you’d end up?”
Felt my age as I knelt between Maggie and Kate to receive the Holy Eucharist. My balky knee, the left one, started to cramp. I shifted my prayer from one of forgiveness to “Please help my leg not to go into a hard cramp. I don’t want to try to shake a leg at the communion rail.” Well, it loosened up so I could limp back with the girls…who sometimes skip.
Here we are in August 2015. In August 2014, Jud and I were reading Ephesians 5 and 6. On 8/21/14, which was diagnosis day after the surgery at MGH, I read from Ephesians 5, ”And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become ‘one flesh.’” I wrote in the margin, “One flesh hurts.”
Still does. Helps to hang out with munchkins who sometimes do a joyful skip after communion and care enough to WHISPER so they don’t add any more hurt than I can bear.
8 Comments
I love the tenderness of all your friends who identify with the deep pain we sense
you are feeling, dear friend. I feel it too. Loving deeply like you and Jud chose to do brings the deeper ache,, but the richer memories of being known and loved fully. We are all thankful that you and Jud chose to love deeply because you also have the deeper more comforting memories that many who love less could not know. You have reminded us all to keep loving fully even though one flesh hurts now,
it's part of the deep happiness and fulfillment before. I love and cherish the thought that your munchkins-- those you also have and are loving well are God's gift for this
time. Love you today.
My beloved Jan.....this process of farewell, this grieving does not have a timetable. Neither are there time limits on the things we do and what tools we use to help ourselves cope with the pain of loss. Don't move on because you think it should be time, move on when it IS time. In the meanwhile, stay here for now and we will be with you on CB. You are loved.
Your wiring is therapeutic and comforting for you, I think, Jan, plus its a great way for us to know how to pray and encourage you...and you ARE in my prayers.
Jan sometimes a funk is ok, even Jesus had sad days! I know the only way to heal is not to overcome these feelings: instead one must go through them in order to experience the true joy God has for us!
Continuing to Pray for what God has next for you and all your readers!
Love and Blessings
Alice
We love you, MamaJan! And pray for your knee and heart. Sending you an extra warm and big hug!
Psalm 121
...reminds me of a moment in Italy years ago, when an Italian friend was speaking (in Italian) increasingly urgently and expressively as I nodded and smiled (trying to appear to agree with him). Turns out he was saying, "You're standing on my foot."
Jan - you are a source of joy to all of us...even as you communicate the sadness and poignant memories...joy, because there is truth and love in it all. I 'tank' my God for you sister.
I've often been encouraged by Paul's words to the Corinthians (II Cor. 4.16): "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." It won't make the physical pain go away, but it can make the heart sing through the pain. You shine, Jan, and we love you for it! (And for a lot of other things about you.)
Love, David and Joyce
Love you, Jan.