This Storm Will Pass. A Note from Jan. Jud's Journal Entry Seventeen.
As a Nor’easter pounded the shore and shook our house this week, I prayed, tested the flashlight, curled up and fell asleep. Storms don’t last. True for all that comes to batter us. Our house shook but stood. We shake, too. Jud and I’ve prayed from Ephesians 6 that, during each day’s battles, we will “put on the whole armor of God, the shield of faith … and, having done all, still stand.”
Jud doesn’t stand much; too weak. When I’m there, he prefers putting his head on my lap and sleeping. Sometimes he gets irritable and frustrated as the battle rages, highly irregular for him, but part of what comes with this treatment. He’s lost his appetite, also very unusual for him, due to the sores in his mouth, an irritated GI track, and swollen lips. His concentration wanes. Words hide in chemo-fog. He looks down for the count but “having done all, still stands.” It is no mystery that the more we suffer on this earth, the better heaven looks. Jud said again today, “I want to go home.” I remind him, “That’s our goal. Home. We are on day +8. Two of the three toughest weeks at MGH are behind us. Home’s waiting.”
In Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope, Joan Chittister writes, “Enduring struggle is the price to be paid for becoming everything we are meant to be in the world… Part of the pain of any great struggle is the reluctance to admit that we have been bested… . We are powerless and powerlessness is such a burden to modern existence because it cleaves like a barnacle to the myth of control… . Surrender is what cleans off the barnacles that have been clinging to the soul.” Jud and I learn daily about surrendering. We surrender, wave a white Kleenex and find mercies in the middle of the muddle.Tender mercies.
Jud reads little because it’s so hard to concentrate. Chad sent him a synopsis from the American Cancer Society on Chemo-Brain, then added, “Dad, you can’t trust your mind right now but you can trust that it will come back slowly, as it did before. You are an amazing cancer fighting machine and I love you.” Sometimes a “word from the Lord” comes through Chad.
Harold Myra’s book One Year of Encouragement is next to Jud’s bed. He picks it up each day to read s- l- o -w- l -y, along with the Message translation of the New Testament. One day Harold wrote about interviewing Billy Graham and asking, “What’s surprised you most about life?” Billy answered, “Its brevity.” Who hasn’t wished for more time … to do … to be. To be with someone.
Today, the house, Jud and I still stand. Winds howl, seas rage, drugs drip, chills shake and we hanker for home. But we can’t go home tonight. For one thing, the storm knocked out the power at our condo in Gloucester. Jud’s tucked in at MGH and I’ve been given the gift of safe harbor in Boston at a beautiful third floor apartment in the North End, a gift from strangers. Thank you, C and M, for this gift of proximity to MGH and Jud.
Storms don’t last but sometimes it helps to sing while they’re raging. Tonight the old Swedish hymn surfaced, “Day by day and with each passing moment Strength I find to meet my trials here. Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.”
To all who suffer, I can say with assurance that storms don’t last. Kate (Poco) turned 4 yesterday. When I picked her up from school, she handed me a picture she drew for me and Popo. It was a rainbow. Mother Martha Steve and Robin Bruce and Susan David and Annie Louise David and Suzy and too many more to name, we join in holding the net for you, for each other. Home’s coming.
20 Comments
We hope you know and feel that in this home, as in so many across the country - the world, there is a prayerful light of hope burning and glowing on your behalf, for your strength and courage and healing. We love you and will say your name out loud at church this morning for the prayers of the people.
Dear Jud and Jan,
We have been in England for the past two weeks, and the first thing we wanted to do upon our return was find out how things are going with you and your family.
Thanks for this update and for this encouraging word in the midst of your personal suffering.
Our prayers continue.
Love,
Roger and Karen
We agree with several of the comments. Your sharing is so touchingly from the heart, so "Jan" (the one we love so much, with Jud), it's just like we are sitting there talking with you. It's refreshing to have thoughtful and appropriate transparency, though not all of us have the gift of expressing things as you do. May the Lord bring a special ray of hope today, an unexpected wink from God (as the French would say), a simple reminder of His presence. We love you! David and Joyce
Jan, your journaling is so eloquent and honest - it reminds me so much of Madeleine L'Engle.
I wonder how best to pray for you and Jud in this time and think of the line from one of her books that says "I simply take him into my heart and put him in God's hands".
Know that you are both safely there.
"Beyond the sunset"--just heard a nice Ralph Carmichael rendition. But meanwhile, I pray for more sunrises at ONF.
Your eloquent expressions of this tough journey are so touching to me. I am praying, calling out your names, weeping with you... re-living this journey with you. I know the hugs and kisses through gowns, life in apartments, wanting to go home, life on pause. The world goes on but you all are paused. I want you to know we pause with you and see you and all you're gong through. We love you and hold you up in our prayers. Wish I could hold more for you.
Through it all, our sweet Lord shows us His presence. Thank you for reflecting that in all you write. Couldn't do it without Him!
Dear Jud and Jan,
Rest, dear Jud, in Jan's lap and in God's hands. This past Thursday Oliver O'Donovan spoke at Gordon on the topic of "action and rest"-- we act in order to rest in having accomplished what we have been called to do. Some days (all of them, really), we are called to rest at the end of that day's work. For someone who acted so often with force and grace, you now must rest. Hard, holy work. All the days lead Home-- to dust and to glory beyond imagining. "Today is the day of salvation"-- do its bidding and God be with you both. We love you.
Bert & Doreen
Dear Jan and Jud,
I read your post today with tears --- tears of sadness for what you are experiencing but also tears of hope. I know the One who gives you the strength to meet each day and He is more than able to be there through every situation. Early this morning I saw a little fuzzy caterpillar on my deck and thought the poor little thing didn't survive the storm --- it was curled up in a ball -- probably similar to what you feel some times. But just now, I went out again, and it had started to stretch itself out. Amazing! It has life and perhaps some hope because the storm did not beat it down. Silly analogy, but your testimony of hope in the midst of the storm is really all about life and and hope --- not wishes, but the certainty that Jesus is and will continue to carry you through this storm - to Him be the glory. Love, prayers, and true hope. Peggy
I couldn't sleep for a while last night - so I prayed a lot for you guys. I woke up several times and the Lord brought you to my heart, so I asked Him to PLEASE be with you bringing healing, peace and even joy. When my alarm went off this morning it interrupted the most delightful dream.... Steve and I had driven through a snow storm to visit you. When we found you, Jud was pulling the grandkids in a little wagon like sled - he was weak, but smiling from ear to ear in the way I remember him so often! Jan was laughing (as I remember Jan so often doing!!) and as happy as could be! We were so deeply thrilled to find you both doing so well... then I woke up. Believing for those happy times again for you both with all my heart. Love you!! Wendy
Bruce and I continue to read your posts, wait and pray. We pray that God continually makes Himself visible to you again and again through the details and people of each day there. May you feel His arms around you, and all the prayers of the saints surrounding you.
Standing with you
Reflecting upon your reflection. As always, in whatever circumstance, you give strength to those around you. Strength to us, strength to Jud. Jesus in the guise of Jan.
With love and great appreciation-
These posts are a gift. We're praying.
We love you and are praying continually.
We landed in our new Boston home a few days ago, and can be here for you.
Thank you for your transparency and demonstration of faith. I love that meaningful hymn, Jan. It goes on to say "Every day the Lord Himself is near me, with a special mercy for each hour". Keep singing about these tender mercies to Jud as we all continue to stand with and pray for him.
With love,
Oh dear ones, we ache for and with you. I also have been strengthened by Scarred by Struggle Transformed by Hope. This rehearsal for our real life is tough, oh so tough. May God be with you, day by day, may His mercies be tender. We love you.
Helene and Dave
You've got a mighty campus and a mighty God behind you. Continually praying for you. Your strength is undoubtedly one of the most amazing depictions of faith I've ever witnessed. lifting you up, everyday.
We stand in awe of the two of you as you share with us this difficult journey and also the many blessings that come your way. Thank you. Perspective is a good reminder about Who and what is important. Love and prayers, Lyn and Tom
Keep singing that hymn! He's kind beyond all measure... love to and prayers for you both.
Thank you for sharing in such vivid and transparent and real feelings. Your grateful ness through this process is the way The Lord is holding you up. May God give you both His strength . Our love and prayers. Marylou and Gene