Feeling Better, Believing Better. A Note from Jan on Day +10. Jud's Journal Entry Eighteen.
The nights I stay in Gloucester make for an educational commute to and from MGH/Boston. Signs beg to be noticed. One billboard paid for by BIG car dealer Herb Chambers squawks: “I’m not the best doctor in Boston but I know how to make people feel better.” That boast takes more nerve than nickels!
It did set me to thinking about what makes Jud or me feel better. Not stuff. Not things like the cars Herb’s hawking. Although, last week, when Heather sent me off to do something fun for awhile, I ended up at Barnes and Noble and then took a trip to a used bookstore. I’m no purist in the stuff department. But retail therapy has its limits.
What really encourages us to feel better are your prayers and notes on Caring Bridge.We love reading your thoughts, Bible verses, hymns. Best of all they nudge us away from merely feeling better to believing better. That’s why singing familiar hymns, recalling Bible verses learned under duress as a child, or sitting still helps. And it’s not as much about feeling as believing. It’s about learning to wrestle less. Learning to settle down with mystery and with not knowing much of anything while still somehow believing that God loves. God knows. God cares.
Today Jud’s lips, throat and GI linings were so raw from the effects of the chemotherapy that his diet’s largely liquid. Swallowing’s hard. But then a gift arrived in the form of morphine, a gift he could administer himself, as needed. When one of his former nurses stopped by to say hello, she congratulated him for FINALLY using the drug he needs for his severe pain. He smiled and said, “I only use it when Jan arrives.” I’m choosing to not read too much into that.
When I arrived today to spend time with Jud, I removed my mask, held my breath, smiled, then raced outside his room to exhale and reposition the mask. All he’s seen since Lunder 1032 are my nondescript eyebrows. A few years back I’d been asked to MC at VNE Congress in Boston. That meant my face would show up LARGE on a LARGE screen in the Hynes ConventionCenter. After the first session, several women commented that I might want to use some make-up. One worked for Mary Kay and offered a free makeover and some samples. I took the hint and her gift of samples, then slunk off to the nearest bathroom to do battle with my face, biggest problems being that I had no experience with serious make-up and very limited eyebrows. I looked in the mirror, raised my eyebrows (I’d seen that on TV), drew lines,shaded lids, rouged cheeks and glossed lips to the best of my Baptist background. Feeling somewhat secure, I went on stage to MC, then scooted off. Chad was nearby and smiled, “I see you used make-up.” That should’ve made me run for cover. I nodded, smiled, and, hoping for the best, asked, “How’d I do?” He said, “You looked permanently startled!”
Jud’s humor showed up today. When I reentered his room, mask in place, I said, “Want to take a nap in my lap?” Jud responded, “Shouldn’t we get acquainted first?” Joy, laughter, humor … stuff of the Spirit. Like the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down. Or, better still, the resurrection life that shows up to feed hope and starve despair. That’s the stuff that matters. Today was day +10 on the whiteboard in Jud’s room. One day closer to HOME.
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"Bless the Lord oh my soul oh my soul, worship His holy name
Sing like never before oh my soul, I'll worship Your holy name
The sun comes up it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing a song to You
Whatever may pass, whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes"
I hear you singing to our Lord even amidst all that lies before you. May your souls be blessed. We join the throngs of prayers for you with love.
Our dear Jud and Jan, treasured friends. There isn't a day that you aren't in our thoughts and fervent prayers. Thank you, Jan for your journal entries (we read every one)....they are so YOU!! God is giving you Joy in the Journey (seems like I read something like that):). In the night when I'm praying for you both great words come to my mind for you but they evaporate in the morning. Yesterday, as we sang this song, you were on my mind...Matt's words are better than mine. May you be encouraged today that HE is "all our hope and stay".
Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay
Today is +11...May you experience."eucharisteo " today. Charis; grace; Chara...joy Eucharisteo..thanksgiving...grace, joy and thanks" We're so thankful for YOU and pray God's strength and grace and even joy are yours in the midst of pain and suffering. We LOVE you both so much and keep holding the net
.
Jud & Jan,
With these latest entries I think of Psalm 116 (BCP version) - "I love the Lord, because he has heard the voice of my supplication, because he has inclined his ear to me whenever I called upon him.
The cords of death entangled me; the grip of the grave took hold of me; I came to grief and sorrow.
Then I called upon the name of the Lord: O Lord, I pray you, save my life."
I pray that the Lord's 'breastplate of righteousness' will be His strength & courage for you Jud. And His love and compassion for you Jan. May you both be protected from harm.
God bless you both,
Beckie & David
your updates have become such a blessing to me as they teach and inspire. jan, your words have always had a direct route right to my heart! i continue to pray and hope for full restoration of health for jud!
love to you both & your family,
kari
All of us here at BioLogos are praying with you through the journey - count us as part of the net. Mark Vogelzang is part of it too (I referred him to these pages) - Jud, I had a great chat with Mark last week - thanks so much for introducing us.
Judy Gaede said it perfectly. Exactly my thoughts and delight in your ability to mix the pain with the joys, with a twinkle in your eye Jan! It is such a remarkable journey you two are on surrounded by your dear family and more friends than you could begin to number! We cherish every journal entry and every memory with you two!
Up early as usual...(must be these farmer genes I inherited)...and sitting in my favorite chair to do my Bible reading...decided instead (.procrastinator that I am) to read email. Always start with confession...well, the first one to catch my eye was the Caring Bridge from Jud & Jan. Yup. Procrastination pays. You ended up being my devotions this morning sis. Tell Jud I said so. I know he's devoted to you too. Love you two so much.
I'm up in the middle of the night, keeping the night vigil, and praying for those "who work or watch or weep this night." Praying for you, Jud, and you, Jan. Praying for your nurses and doctors who treat and comfort and care. Reading your entry, Jan, helps me also to laugh and cry...good things. I hope, I know you feel your cloud of witnesses surrounding you as you run this race that has been set before you. As you journey towards HOME. Bless you both.
"the resurrection life that shows up to feed hope and starve despair" - excellent! We had a treat at church last night - a woman who had a stem cell transplant earlier this year showed up - with her face mask and gloves - but so happy to be there - and we were sooo happy to have her there. Somehow it gave me renewed hope for Jud! I know of course our hope is in the Lord, but it's fun when He gives a "show and tell"! Praying with all our hearts for you!! Love, Wendy
Janice Dawn, I have always loved your gift of "storifying"--and now it is serving us all well. Love and prayers to you and Jud.
I know exactly the billboard to which you refer, Momo. Not surprised to find your writing informative, interesting, and even humorous. Also happy Popo is being funny... the only joke I know (that was not taught to me by you) is about the "moo-tercycle" that Basil taught me.
Love the comment Jay Barnes posted... humor, humility, trust, God's presence- a holy place!! Jan you bless us all by your posts! You both demonstrate a relationship that is deep, enduring, loving and real!! May God bless you both richly!!!! Lord, knit and weave these cells within Jud and bring wholeness!!
Wholeness of spirit is already demonstrated!!
Sounds like good news to me! Also heard good news at church(FCCH) today about Steve Macleod improving.
We like you au naturel....
Reading Jan's posts is like entering a holy place. Humor, humility, trust, God's presence - all seem so real as we read. We continue to pray and trust with you, more assured that God is at work through what you share.
Jay & Barb
Jud's courageous embrace of this journey through a dark valley, and Jan's ability to describe it to all of us in words that are both poignant and inspiring, give us all a gift of seeing with new eyes. Though as a physician I have seen many travel this path, I have never seen it done with more grace. That, I am sure, is because of Grace. And the peace that passes understanding.
Blessings and healing prayers, dear Jan and Jud, from your friends in Bethesda.
Francis and Diane
How will He not also......"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32. It is safe to trust !! (Thank God!).
Praying for Jud all the time. We send our Love,
Dave & Melva
Together in our walk of faith...
We put away our feelings and hold on tight to our belief: God is all powerful! We hold on tight to our faith. Faith is a 'happy expectation' and certainty of what we hope for and is to come. We know we can trust God. Our God is faithful. His word is true. His promises are true.
" Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice!...The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:4-6
" ...I am ready to perform My word" (...) " For I am with you", says the Lord, " to deliver you".
Jer. 1:12b & 19
We prayed just today that we will hear 'good news' and we have! :-) We are sure that more good news will keep on coming! Praise God for day +10!
We love you! We pray for you! We feel with you! We are with you in spirit!
Keep on laughing! Xoxo
Laughter is sometimes the best medicine of all .. Thanks you two for giving us all a dose on day + 10. Can you hear us cheering ... 😍
Love your updates. (I can almost see Jud as he teases you...) You continue to teach and mentor. We are praying for you both...and Jud's great "cancer-fighting machine" body.
Wow! We stand amazed at God's daily miracle-moments.
As you know, we would rather be yelling "Go Cardinals" in the World Series but we keep watching every game. And we continually think of the four of us cheering on the Cardinals and Red Sox last year. What fun we had!
But this year you need to don your Royal robes and fight the Giants of discouragement and despair. God is still King of Kings and Lord of Lords. So continue to stand firm in the batter box, swing hard at the enemy, and press the morphine button. All your fans are praying.
Much love from Jim and Judy
Jan (and "post-her child" Martha), these updates and reflections are a wonderful gift to all of us out here in Germ World. They are terrific. Thank you for taking time to share lessons learned and lessons remembered; to notice God's presence, faithfulness and grace mid-battle. And Jud, that your cute sense of humor still breaks forth despite the pain, discomfort and "chemo brain" is remarkable. Bless you, dear friends and teachers.
God is good
Humor is a blessing, and blessings to you both.