Sticky Thoughts. A Note from Jan. Jud's Journal Entry Nineteen.
Today’s trash day. Before heading to MGH, I hauled the can to the curb. Jud usually did this. Twelve hours later, I’m home, pulling the empty can into the garage, then hauling myself up the stairs into our condo. Life’s changed.
No one knows that more than Jud. Today his world swirled with confusion and fears, likely rooted in his response to the morphine. For a man whose drug of choice is a Tylenol after major surgery, this hard stuff did a number on his brain. Not like he didn’t have enough on his mind with all the physical changes, challenges, pain and prognosis!
An intern popped in to ask Jud, “On a scale of 1-10, how much pain do you have?” I could see the question swirling around in his mind like a sticky thought. I watched him wrestle with how to answer. Then she asked, “Do you know where you are? The day? The date?” and, again and again, “On a scale of 1-10, how much pain do you have?” Jud knew where he was. He knew the day. But assessing degrees required a judgment call. Too much to handle.
At noon, Judy and Lisa picked me up at MGH for lunch and conversation. A good gift. But some of me felt so guilty leaving Jud behind struggling to swallow a liquid lunch while I enjoyed good company and good food. Challenging for some caregivers to receive.
After lunch, Jud, fresh from a shower, sat beside me on the sofa and asked, “Tell me straight, am I dying?”
I sent an S.O.S. prayer and said, “You must feel like you’re dying, but the doctor said you’re starting to get better even though it doesn’t feel that way. Today is +12. One day closer to home.” He sat still, saying nothing for so long, I wondered what was swirling in his mind. Then, with a small smile, he uttered his own prayer, “God, we’re half way there.” Next he curled up on the sofa and fell asleep on my lap.
When Jud awoke, I stretched, and went out of the room to breathe, after tossing my mask and gloves into the trash.
Before long, I remasked and gloved and went back in by Jud, closing the airlock door and the curtain behind me. Soon we heard the door slide open and a strange voice behind the curtain asking, “Dr. Carlberg, do you have your pants on?” It was Chad!
Earlier, while Jud was sleeping on my lap, Heather called for an update and listened while I poured out my unease with what I was seeing in her father. The family immediately went into action. Heather contacted the night nurse about our concerns. She also called Chad to put him in the picture. Soon after, Kris called me to offer support. Then, while Kris took care of Maggie and Kate, Chad came to be with his Dad and me.
Chad came in, having been fully briefed by his sister, acting like his Dad was the super cancer-fighting hero he continues to believe he is. Then he hugged me and said, “Mom, I can tell you’ve never been around drugs or druggies.” At which point, Jud said, “See that gigantic spider walking across the wall?” Then he looked at Chad and both of them burst out laughing. Twice in the day, clarity came for Jud. Once, “God, we’re half way there,” and then “See the gigantic spider!”
Chad gave perspective to the nurse, intern, his Dad and me. He reviewed chemo brain, effects of drugs like morphine, and explained so much the intern said, “Are you a doctor, too?” Well, he was for us. He said to his Dad, “You and Mom are so connected after all these years that when you get afraid, Mom catches it. Now, this is day +12. Your muddy thoughts will go away. I think you can go off this morphine and go back to simpler stuff, like Tylenol. Want to try that?” I felt Jud settle down with Chad’s quiet confidence. This is the same Chad that kept us attending parent/teacher conferences where the most encouragement we usually got was, “He has potential.” Good to never end a story too soon.
Morphine might have been the culprit here. But the intern, after checking with the attending physician, ordered blood work to determine if there’s an infection and to check kidney function. Apparently, both can put the brain on overload. So much we don’t know about these “fearfully and wonderfully made” bodies. Lord, have mercy and give wisdom to the doctors and nurses.
Sticky thoughts come and go for most of us. Notions about ourselves, others or even God. We need each other for perspective, for help when stuck in the trash of yesterday or today. In Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope, Joan Chittister writes, “It is trust in the limits of self that makes us open and it is trust in the gifts of others that makes us secure. We come to realize that we don’t have to do everything—that we can’t do everything—that what I can’t do is someone else’s gift and responsibility. Without the grace of limitations we would be isolated, dry and insufferable creatures indeed.”
Seems like a good time to say thank you to all of you for doing that which we cannot do for ourselves—Heather, Matt, Chad, Kristina, Lily, Luke, Maggie,Basil, Kate, extended family, friends, doctors, nurses, researchers, nursing assistants, and… .trash collectors.
I just had a good sticky thought, “O God, our help in ages past. Our hope for years to come.
42 Comments
Thinking of you all and pray for everyone to get through this time. Not easy and so glad you have family and friends. So very important and such a precious gift. Bless you all Robin
As I try to think what I can write that may encourage you... thoughts of how much YOU have encouraged ME keep coming to mind. And so I continue to pray that God, who has used you to bless so many, would bless both of your socks off with His richest blessings! Including His peace and joy and comfort - as well as, or course, complete healing from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. So thankful for all the "angels" He has placed in your life! love you!
Dearest Jan and Jud, May God continue to send you his kind help in the form of family, friends, doctors, nurses, interns, and angels. I know He is sustaining you, and holds you both in the palm of His hand. In His hands, the hands of the Great Physician, may you find that special peace as the Physician does His wondrous work. Much love. Judy
Greg and I are praying for you both so often - thinking of Jud's struggle and the work of waiting and enduring for you both. Thank you for your words. I read this in John Baillie's "Diary of Private Prayer"and thought of you both:
Here I am, O God, of little power and of mean estate, yet lifting up heart and voice to Thee before whom all created things are as dust and a vapor. Thou art hidden behind a curtain of sense, incomprehensible in Thy greatness, mysterious in Thine almighty power; yet here I speak to Thee familiarly as child to parent, as friend to friend. If I could not thus speak to Thee, then were I indeed without hope in the world. For it is little that I have power to do or to ordain. Of all that shall come to me this day, very little will be such as I have chosen for myself. It is Thou, O hidden One, who dost appoint my lot and determine the bounds of my habitation. It is Thou who has put power in my hand to do one work and hast withheld the skill to do another. It is Thou who dost keep in Thy grasp the threads of this day's life and who alone knowest what lies before me to do or to suffer. But because Thou art my Father, I am not afraid. Because it is Thine own Spirit that stirs within my spirit's inmost room I know that all is well. Let the power of my Lord Christ be strong within me and His peace invade my spirit. Amen.
"O God our help in ages past our hope for years to come, our shelter in the stormy blast, and our eternal home". That was the closing hymn at Christ Church last Sunday. So happy to hear you quote it. It is going to be stuck in my head for the next few weeks so that every time I sing it, I will sing it for you.
-Meg
Dear Jan, oh how we appreciate your wonderful words.What a terribly rough road you two are on! Your good attitude is amazing. How you are able to see humor in some events is a real gift. Dear Jud, we are so sorry that you experiencing such nasty side efforts from the chemo. I pray often for peace and comfort. We love you a lot, but God loves you way more!
The tho'ts that stick with us are all of you -- morning, noon and night you are in our hearts and prayers as you struggle on, ministering to us all and teaching us how to face extreme suffering by the grace of God, a God of extravagant HOPE in the midst of .... life. Be of good cheer and rest in hope while others pray.
With love and LOVE
When Steven got his sinus operation the effect of a couple of hours morphine lasted a month...Ayayayy...Luckily you have dearest Chad to comfort both of you!
Be strong and courageous! God is by your side. We pray the results of the tests will be fine. We love you!
God's love and protection be with you both! Thank you for the rich and beautiful story of the shadow side of your lives. Your struggles lift our tears, hopes, and prayers to God. Glory be to God who gives us all we need. Amen.
Jan, thinking of you and Jud. I hope you are doing okay. I love reading all your posts. Stay strong!!!
Jan, praying for you and Jud on this +12 day and looking and praying ahead to day +365.
Several years ago on Christmas break Jud emailed me for help with his computer. His email said only "Chad's home; need I say more". That email made me smile and makes me smile again when I think of what a wonderful, wise comfort that Chad is to both of you! Thanks for letting us pray along with you. Love to you both!
Humor is the best medicine...
Oh, I remember morphine brain. Just like you describe it.
praying
Jan, your gift of somehow weaving trash cans, sticky thoughts, spiders and drugs into a devotional for us amazes me. And lifts me up, even as Jud is going through the valley. Tell him his illness has enriched hundreds, even thousands, I'm sure. And that we pray for the day he can think clearly again and share his personal experience of how God's faithfulness is beyond our capacity to understand. Whichever home it is, it will be a spectacular finishing well story. Sue and I send our love from AZ.
As we did Morning Prayer today, you two were particularly on our hearts and minds. Much love.
Dear Jan and Jud -
In the midst of all that is happening, your wonderful sticky thoughts touch our hearts and bring smiles to our faces. We are grateful to know what is happening so that we might walk all our steps with a prayer in our hearts for the really tough moments that you and Jud are living. God is indeed your rock and foundation as you show all of us how you are in the shadows but always walking toward the light.
With love and hugs - Sherry
Continuing to pray for you!
Dearest Jud and Janny,
Praying that on this Day +12 Jud can come off the morphine and go back to tried-and-true Tylenol, but if not, that Chad's wise words will continue to de-fang all spiders and other sticky thoughts. Also praying the blood tests find no infection or problems with kidney function, but only positive results! Sending our love, Jane and David
I was with a church team a week ago in Johnson City, Tennessee...called Grace Fellowship, very appropriate name for this growing church of nearly 2,000...one of their core values, a first for me in all my years, is "To struggle well" - and i hear that in your written voice, your tear-enducing (new word!) stories, and in Jud's lived reality. As you struggle well, each of your family and friends marvel at your love, grace, and faithful perseverance. Thank you for loving each other well as you learn how to struggle well too. Lots of love from Lexington, Steve and Ruthie
We're 3,000 miles away, but we are right there with you.
May God give you the right thoughts to stick in your mind! (Philippians 4.8) And yes, Paul relates this to peace, so elusive at the moment. But it's there, too.
Love, David and Joyce
Jan, praying for you and Jud on this +12 day and looking and praying ahead to day +365.
Several years ago on Christmas break Jud emailed me for help with his computer. His email said only "Chad's home; need I say more". That email made me smile and makes me smile again when I think of what a wonderful, wise comfort that Chad is to both of you! Thanks for letting us pray along with you. Love to you both!
Humor is the best medicine...
Oh, I remember morphine brain. Just like you describe it.
praying
Jan, your gift of somehow weaving trash cans, sticky thoughts, spiders and drugs into a devotional for us amazes me. And lifts me up, even as Jud is going through the valley. Tell him his illness has enriched hundreds, even thousands, I'm sure. And that we pray for the day he can think clearly again and share his personal experience of how God's faithfulness is beyond our capacity to understand. Whichever home it is, it will be a spectacular finishing well story. Sue and I send our love from AZ.
As we did Morning Prayer today, you two were particularly on our hearts and minds. Much love.
Dear Jan and Jud -
In the midst of all that is happening, your wonderful sticky thoughts touch our hearts and bring smiles to our faces. We are grateful to know what is happening so that we might walk all our steps with a prayer in our hearts for the really tough moments that you and Jud are living. God is indeed your rock and foundation as you show all of us how you are in the shadows but always walking toward the light.
With love and hugs - Sherry
Continuing to pray for you!
Dearest Jud and Janny,
Praying that on this Day +12 Jud can come off the morphine and go back to tried-and-true Tylenol, but if not, that Chad's wise words will continue to de-fang all spiders and other sticky thoughts. Also praying the blood tests find no infection or problems with kidney function, but only positive results! Sending our love, Jane and David
I was with a church team a week ago in Johnson City, Tennessee...called Grace Fellowship, very appropriate name for this growing church of nearly 2,000...one of their core values, a first for me in all my years, is "To struggle well" - and i hear that in your written voice, your tear-enducing (new word!) stories, and in Jud's lived reality. As you struggle well, each of your family and friends marvel at your love, grace, and faithful perseverance. Thank you for loving each other well as you learn how to struggle well too. Lots of love from Lexington, Steve and Ruthie
We're 3,000 miles away, but we are right there with you.
May God give you the right thoughts to stick in your mind! (Philippians 4.8) And yes, Paul relates this to peace, so elusive at the moment. But it's there, too.
Love, David and Joyce
Jan, praying for you and Jud on this +12 day and looking and praying ahead to day +365.
Several years ago on Christmas break Jud emailed me for help with his computer. His email said only "Chad's home; need I say more". That email made me smile and makes me smile again when I think of what a wonderful, wise comfort that Chad is to both of you! Thanks for letting us pray along with you. Love to you both!
Humor is the best medicine...
Oh, I remember morphine brain. Just like you describe it.
praying
Jan, your gift of somehow weaving trash cans, sticky thoughts, spiders and drugs into a devotional for us amazes me. And lifts me up, even as Jud is going through the valley. Tell him his illness has enriched hundreds, even thousands, I'm sure. And that we pray for the day he can think clearly again and share his personal experience of how God's faithfulness is beyond our capacity to understand. Whichever home it is, it will be a spectacular finishing well story. Sue and I send our love from AZ.
As we did Morning Prayer today, you two were particularly on our hearts and minds. Much love.
Dear Jan and Jud -
In the midst of all that is happening, your wonderful sticky thoughts touch our hearts and bring smiles to our faces. We are grateful to know what is happening so that we might walk all our steps with a prayer in our hearts for the really tough moments that you and Jud are living. God is indeed your rock and foundation as you show all of us how you are in the shadows but always walking toward the light.
With love and hugs - Sherry
Continuing to pray for you!
Dearest Jud and Janny,
Praying that on this Day +12 Jud can come off the morphine and go back to tried-and-true Tylenol, but if not, that Chad's wise words will continue to de-fang all spiders and other sticky thoughts. Also praying the blood tests find no infection or problems with kidney function, but only positive results! Sending our love, Jane and David
I was with a church team a week ago in Johnson City, Tennessee...called Grace Fellowship, very appropriate name for this growing church of nearly 2,000...one of their core values, a first for me in all my years, is "To struggle well" - and i hear that in your written voice, your tear-enducing (new word!) stories, and in Jud's lived reality. As you struggle well, each of your family and friends marvel at your love, grace, and faithful perseverance. Thank you for loving each other well as you learn how to struggle well too. Lots of love from Lexington, Steve and Ruthie
We're 3,000 miles away, but we are right there with you.
May God give you the right thoughts to stick in your mind! (Philippians 4.8) And yes, Paul relates this to peace, so elusive at the moment. But it's there, too.
Love, David and Joyce
Jan, I am so grateful for these updates; they help us know how to pray more directly for you and Jud. Sitting here in my hotel room in Brazil after meeting last night some amazing students who want to come to Gordon , I am grateful that God has brought us together and that even across many miles, our hearts can share the same concerns and same hopes. I am praying that more clarity will come to Jud (and that the spiders will stay away!) and that you will continue to be the rock that you are for him in this season. I'm here with Kaye Cook, and we will say a special prayer before we head out. Between now and then, we send you our love!
Jan, I am so grateful for these updates; they help us know how to pray more directly for you and Jud. Sitting here in my hotel room in Brazil after meeting last night some amazing students who want to come to Gordon , I am grateful that God has brought us together and that even across many miles, our hearts can share the same concerns and same hopes. I am praying that more clarity will come to Jud (and that the spiders will stay away!) and that you will continue to be the rock that you are for him in this season. I'm here with Kaye Cook, and we will say a special prayer before we head out. Between now and then, we send you our love!
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