A Nudge in the Night: A Note from Jan. Jud's Journal Entry Twenty.
Day +13 was bizarre due to the residual drugs still in Jud’s body.
About 1:30 today, I needed to rip off my mask and gloves and flee the MGH confines. Charles Street beckoned and I took off to walk down one side and up the other, stopping for lunch at the Beacon Hill Bistro. Part way into my meal Jud’s nurse, Sarah, called and said that he was very worried about me. His drug induced paranoia was playing tricks. I hurried back to reassure him that I was ok and his room was not bugged.
Tonight when I left for the North End, Jud didn’t want me to leave. “Please stay.” “Oh, God, this is wrenching. Please help, Lord,” I whispered. There’s no sleeping over on the transplant wing of Lunder 10. Feeling terribly torn, I turned to him, hugged him, and kissed his face through my mask, promising to be back in the morning. “Are you going to be in Boston tonight?” “Yes. I’ll be close by.” “Oh, that’s good.’ And he released me. A great gift of love on his part. I’m so grateful for this place in the North End, especially tonight; this gift from kind strangers who loaned us their apartment so I can be close. (Thank you, C and WM).
As the unwanted fluid—in which morphine hides—leaves Jud’s body and when his counts begin to come up, the brain will reboot, right itself. For now, we reassure Jud that “this will pass.” When you are in the middle of such mental mayhem, God only knows what agony you endure. I wait and watch as he fishes for words and thoughts, hunts a reality he’s lost temporarily. What Jud’s experiencing should show improvement in a few days, not so for many in our world. Some are born with scrambled synapses. Others’ brains misfire due to disease, dementia, accidents, strokes, the effects of war and other terrors. That verse, “Let this mind be in you that was also in Christ Jesus…” How does that work with broken brains? God knows.
Last night I fell asleep singing an old song. Several of you have sent the lyrics to encourage Jud and me through email or Caring Bridge. Thank you. The song has deep significance for me. Growing up a plaque hung over our kitchen sink with these words from Annie Johnson Flint. Along with my Mama’s Bible, that plaque is one of my “grab if the house is on fire” treasures.
“He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater, He sendeth more strength when the labors increase; To added affliction He addeth His mercy, To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance, When our strength has failed ere the day is half done, When we reach the end of our hoarded resources, Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision, Our God ever yearns His resources to share; Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing: The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.
His love has no limit; His grace has no measure, His pow’r no boundary known unto men; For out of His infinite riches in Jesus, He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.
The plaque was a gift to my Mama when she graduated from high school. She was headed to nurses training in Chicago at the Norwegian American Hospital. Good thing she was Norwegian! The gift came from the parents of a young girl, wheelchair bound and severely disabled, who lived in Mama’s neighborhood. My grandmother urged my Mother to go see this young girl after school each day, to talk to her as though she could understand, and let her know she was loved. My Mother wanted to hang with her friends but trudged off to do her “duty.” Her parents knew the truth of the poem they gave to Mama. While Mama did her “duty,” she grew in love and grace. I don’t think Mama’s friend, a child close to her age, ever spoke a word. But Mama used to say that in good weather she’d be waiting for her on the porch, smiling a welcome.
Tonight, when I crawl under the covers, I’ll picture that plaque and be grateful for my heritage, not perfect but good. They MADE me do dishes. While I grudgingly obeyed (too much my life story), I learned a poem. A poem/song that shows up sixty-five years later when someone I love is struggling to survive, to understand. It’s a nudge in the night to call on Jesus who gives what we could never earn nor deserve: Grace. Grace to bear the unbearable. Grace to do the undoable. Tonight, dear Jesus, You who love to give, give to Jud what he needs to feel safe, to sleep peacefully. Thank you for all these net holders. Give to them and their families and friends what they need to sleep, to “faith” tomorrow with its challenges, to bear the unbearable, to do the undoable. We’re all one day closer to HOME.
37 Comments
Dear Jud and Jan:
Your writing today hits my heart - I am so very glad we share the faith - otherwise how would we bear the unbearable?
Sending love and prayers your way, Gaynelle
Dear Jan, it's so disconcerting to hear that our friend is caught in anxious thoughts...praying for God's inexplicable peace to fall on him, on you...love you, B.
It's hard to write through tears. Tears of love, tears of great concern, tears of thanks, tears of hope. Thank you Jan. Thank you Jud. Thank you that you bring Jesus closer to us as you share your journey. We are holding our piece of the net with daily prayers and sending our love.
Dear Jan & Jud,
These postings help us journey with you and the honesty of your words makes us feel the morphine, the paranoia, the grace and the hope.
Love to you both,
Diane & Francis
Jan and Jud, We read and we feel and we care ... deeply. Thank you for the hymn reminder, a melody that long ago played in my church and tonight--for the first time in decades--it's playing in my head and heart. We will pray that "more grace" over Jud and you. Bless you both. Barry and Paula.
Wow Jan, what a beautiful message of absolute love and commitment. I will be holding you and Jud in prayer. Sweet dreams.
amen.
Amen ... thank you, Jan, for your words each day. I feel close to you as I read and pray for Jud ... and for you. You both are precious to us. God is doing a work here that is beyond what we can see. It has great value ... eternal value. For you and Jud, but also for we who love you. We are being changed as we travel this road with you ... xoxo
Another net holder here, from the mountains of western North Carolina...unknown to you, but a very longtime friend of Kristina's (from her freshman days at Appalachian) and now Chad's. I too called out your names during Prayers of the People on Sunday, at St. Luke's Boone (K's old church), and stood in for Jud at the laying on of hands at the Healing Service today. Our priest, Cyndi Banks, prayed beyond healing for ever greater courage and endurance...rightly so. /// I have accompanied one other friend through this procedure...it was harrowing, seeming unbearable...yet today, eleven years later, she lives a life strong and cancer-free. St. Luke's prayer, and mine = may it be so, loving God, for Jud.
Yes, you are ministering to us all as you share this journey...heartfelt thanks. Faith
Jan, thank you for sharing. Please know we are praying.
Joining with so many others to pray...sweet dreams to you both.
Dear Jan and Jud,
I pray for the Lord's grace and peace to you. May God's healing come upon Jud while he rests.
Alice
May you sleep well and rest assure that God is taking care of business and keeping an eye on Jud at this very important time in need. I wish and pray that tomorrow is a better day for him and for all the family and friends. Good night Jan and Jud till tomorrow. God Bless Robin
My dear amigo Jan, it is a privilege to be part of the prayer team that come before our heavenly father daily pleading for His mercy, sustenance, and healing for Jud. Like Aaron who lifted up the arms of Moses, I am praying that God's great compassion will be showered on you this evening. May the morning's mercies be tender and fresh. With great love. Peggy
Just reading this as we sit on the plane to head out west this time. Prayed for peaceful sleep for both of you and that the bad old morphine will leave quickly! With love.
Jan, praying without ceasing for you two. FYI Hymns have also been so comforting for Dave and me. I YouTube a hymn on my laptop and so often we have some amazing choir singing along with us. Lyrics are also there. The hymn you sent with this post is one of our favorites.
Sending all our love,
Helene
Praying for your continuing endurance and His grace in this time of suffering. May Jud be granted rest tonight, as well as yourself!
Oh Jan, how much God uses you (and Jud) in this trial! Thank you for your unfailing testimony and ministry to ALL of us. The idea of God being glorified in this seems so strange and odd ... yet so REAL. Praying for peace in the passing off time! Peter
Jan,
In prayer with you tonight: remembering a time of great travail in my life when Jud showed me grace with no measure; my prayer tonight is that our Lord may show him the same, and with abundance. With much affection to you both. Mike G.
Joining with so many others to pray...sweet dreams to you both.
Dear Jan and Jud,
I pray for the Lord's grace and peace to you. May God's healing come upon Jud while he rests.
Alice
May you sleep well and rest assure that God is taking care of business and keeping an eye on Jud at this very important time in need. I wish and pray that tomorrow is a better day for him and for all the family and friends. Good night Jan and Jud till tomorrow. God Bless Robin
My dear amigo Jan, it is a privilege to be part of the prayer team that come before our heavenly father daily pleading for His mercy, sustenance, and healing for Jud. Like Aaron who lifted up the arms of Moses, I am praying that God's great compassion will be showered on you this evening. May the morning's mercies be tender and fresh. With great love. Peggy
Just reading this as we sit on the plane to head out west this time. Prayed for peaceful sleep for both of you and that the bad old morphine will leave quickly! With love.
Jan, praying without ceasing for you two. FYI Hymns have also been so comforting for Dave and me. I YouTube a hymn on my laptop and so often we have some amazing choir singing along with us. Lyrics are also there. The hymn you sent with this post is one of our favorites.
Sending all our love,
Helene
Praying for your continuing endurance and His grace in this time of suffering. May Jud be granted rest tonight, as well as yourself!
Oh Jan, how much God uses you (and Jud) in this trial! Thank you for your unfailing testimony and ministry to ALL of us. The idea of God being glorified in this seems so strange and odd ... yet so REAL. Praying for peace in the passing off time! Peter
Jan,
In prayer with you tonight: remembering a time of great travail in my life when Jud showed me grace with no measure; my prayer tonight is that our Lord may show him the same, and with abundance. With much affection to you both. Mike G.
Joining with so many others to pray...sweet dreams to you both.
Dear Jan and Jud,
I pray for the Lord's grace and peace to you. May God's healing come upon Jud while he rests.
Alice
May you sleep well and rest assure that God is taking care of business and keeping an eye on Jud at this very important time in need. I wish and pray that tomorrow is a better day for him and for all the family and friends. Good night Jan and Jud till tomorrow. God Bless Robin
My dear amigo Jan, it is a privilege to be part of the prayer team that come before our heavenly father daily pleading for His mercy, sustenance, and healing for Jud. Like Aaron who lifted up the arms of Moses, I am praying that God's great compassion will be showered on you this evening. May the morning's mercies be tender and fresh. With great love. Peggy
Just reading this as we sit on the plane to head out west this time. Prayed for peaceful sleep for both of you and that the bad old morphine will leave quickly! With love.
Jan, praying without ceasing for you two. FYI Hymns have also been so comforting for Dave and me. I YouTube a hymn on my laptop and so often we have some amazing choir singing along with us. Lyrics are also there. The hymn you sent with this post is one of our favorites.
Sending all our love,
Helene
Praying for your continuing endurance and His grace in this time of suffering. May Jud be granted rest tonight, as well as yourself!
Oh Jan, how much God uses you (and Jud) in this trial! Thank you for your unfailing testimony and ministry to ALL of us. The idea of God being glorified in this seems so strange and odd ... yet so REAL. Praying for peace in the passing off time! Peter
Jan,
In prayer with you tonight: remembering a time of great travail in my life when Jud showed me grace with no measure; my prayer tonight is that our Lord may show him the same, and with abundance. With much affection to you both. Mike G.