Light Shining in the Darkness. A Note from Jan. Jud's Journal Entry Forty-six.
Cold, dreary day. Duties, responsibilities. Most connected with Jud’s death. Cold realities until LIGHT slipped in through generosity.
The invitation came through mail I’ve only started wading through. “We hope you can come.” HOPE
BankGloucester 5:00 pm Hospice Tree of Lights
Did I really want to bundle up again and head out to some ceremony? The Jud nudge. Go. Good to mingle. Even better to be grateful.
The bank lobby as festive as bank lobbies can be. The people seated or milling about, nibbling on Italian pastries (it’s Gloucester) sipping cider, eggnog or coffee.
A woman with a camera hung ‘round her neck like a weapon urged me to join two other women—strangers—for a photo. We three, none too pleased, but not ready to do battle stood side by side and I, for one, could not smile.
Afterwards, I introduced myself to the tall woman next to me. She, Carol, was there to honor her mother-in-law I, my husband. When she learned how recently Jud had died, Carol, once stiff, bent low and said, “May I hug you?” We wept together. Her husband’s death had come six years earlier.
Some folks bunched like grapes at the other end of the room roused my curiosity. They took turns thumbing through a large book. A book of remembrance with names in calligraphy. C Carlberg Jud Carlberg not Robert J. Carlberg like all the legal and medical records Thank God! not R. Judson Carlberg just Jud Carlberg.
Thank you Tom and Lyn for this gift in Jud’s name. for this evening for Kaplan House, dear Martha for hospice for nights like this when we “shine a light for all to see,” as the program guide read. for prayers from Father Tim of Our Lady of the Good Voyage in Gloucester
We are a town of fishermen, artists and a lot of Catholics. Free to shout, “Merry Christmas!” not mutter happy holidays. Jud loved this blue collar mix of folks. a place to call home a harbor.
Then word spread to move outside for the tree lighting ceremony. For 13 years BankGloucester and CareDimensions (formerly Hospice of the North Shore), the umbrella for the Kaplan House, have partnered to provide an evening like tonight. The tree full of memorial lights was lit by remote control Not so our candles. Wind too blustery for candles So we lit and re-lit until urged to come back inside to mingle and enjoy more refreshments. Good time for me to drop off my candle and head home. Not much mingle left in me.
But thankful So thankful I bundled up and trudged off to downtown “Glosta.” Jud knew I needed the company of kindred hearts strangers clumped together by grief and memory, needing warmth, hunting a familiar name in a book of remembrance enjoying a bite or two of an Italian pastry but most of all seeking LIGHT on a dark December night God seems to like to show up in dark times, this time through a stranger named Carol, who stooped to simply offer the gift of herself a hug.
The Prophet Isaiah wrote— “The people that walked in darkness have seen a great LIGHT: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.”
And from a much loved carol— “O come, thou Day-spring from on high, And cheer us by thy drawing nigh; Disperse the gloomy clouds of night, And death’s dark shadow put to flight. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Israel!”
18 Comments
And here is a really BIG hug from us! Love you!
Dear Jan,
Thanks for these stories of light. But please know that you have been a light to us as you are working through Jud's leaving us. We cannot even imagine the LIGHT that he is now experiencing for all eternity.
We both send our hugs and our love.
Roger and Karen
Dear Jan—Sarah Young’s message was definitely for me in *Jesus Lives* this a.m. I also thought of you as you walk through the valley of the shadow, asking the Lord to be especially near you.
“The ultimate protection against sinking during life’s storms is developing your friendship with Me….I urge you to switch your focus from difficulties that *may* come your way to My Presence, which is *always* with you….When you find yourself anxiously scanning the horizon of your life, use that as a reminder to *seek My Face.* You will not find Me off in the distance. I am here beside you, nearer than you dare believe….Remember that I am holding you by your right hand. I guide you with My own counsel, based on eternal wisdom; so there’s no need to worry about the future.” Psalm 73:23-24, 28
In the midst of “the long goodbye,” I need to feast moment by moment on these life-saving words. Whether short or long, goodbyes usher us into another place with the all-comforting knowledge that our loving Father dwells there as surely as in the place we leave behind. We can rest secure in these promises even while we feel such loss and pain. I'm so grateful that He holds us tight as we journey to where He takes us.
Thinking about you with love and prayer—Pat.
Brings back memories of the first Tree of Lights reception at Bank Glosta 5 yeas ago. One reception was plenty; now I just purchase a light, then walk by the tree and pick one out that I identify as Betty. Seems like only yesterday. Sad memory, but it is the season of Hope....
I don't really have anything to say that I haven't already said - like how much we love you and how much we are praying for you and how much you are in our thoughts and how often we shed tears for you... but I don't like to miss this opportunity to give you a "virtual hug" with all my heart. Love reading your writings so, so, so much. And take comfort visualizing Jesus wrapping His LOVING arms around you day in and day out. Four years ago today was Sherri's accident. God sent us so many angels too. One of them was you. <3
Beautiful, again. Hugs are nearby any time.
Jan, love you to pieces! I just started to switch out our last years Christmas cards for this years as they trickle in and was moved to tears at your picture last year! What a difference a year makes both in happy and sad tears. You will forever be Aunt Jan and Jud will be Uncle Jud!
Jan, I couldn't help thinking of the ancient Christmas hymn as I read your last entry.
In the bleak mid-winter
Frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron,
Water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow,
Snow on snow,
In the bleak mid-winter
Long ago.
Our God, Heaven cannot hold Him
Nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away
When He comes to reign:
In the bleak mid-winter
A stable-place sufficed
The Lord God Almighty,
Jesus Christ.
So grateful that Jesus came to dwell with us in our own bleak mid winters of life. May you know the light of His presence as you walk this road. He has come to bring us light.
I'm thankful for the "Jud nudges" that keeps you mingling and weaving those first tentative threads of healing among other grievers. This is why hospice is dear to my heart. Sending hugs to you and prayers for those dark nights when you feel so alone. We love you dearly and pray each night for you that God will hold you close.
Jan, your thoughtful writings and willingness to expose your grieving heart are greater gifts than you know. Thank you!
Love,
Priscilla
This is a hug for us, Jan ... thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings. xoxo
Hugs are good.
I wish I had been there.
Jesus' light shines on through you Jan and one day when He returns, all will see the Light. And on that day we will see Jud again too! Praise God and thank you for kindred hearts.
Thanks for continuing to share your heart and life with us. This is very healing for us and I trust for you as well.
Love, Dale and Marty
Hugs are good.
I wish I had been there.
Jesus' light shines on through you Jan and one day when He returns, all will see the Light. And on that day we will see Jud again too! Praise God and thank you for kindred hearts.
Thanks for continuing to share your heart and life with us. This is very healing for us and I trust for you as well.
Love, Dale and Marty