No Mother and Child; No Amazing Grace. A Note From Jan. Jud's Journal Entry Forty-eight.
A friend called to cheer me. “Weekends must be extra hard for you.” No. Weekdays. The work week. I don’t feel like working some days. Dazed. Slothful. According to Dr. Malcolm Reid, sloth has its origin in care-less-ness. And today I struggle with sloth. the sin of not caring. OK It could be fatigue, grief, depression or other possibilities from a long list of diagnoses. But, for now, I choose the label of SLOTHful.
I know better. and I am not without a pinch of caring … just care-LESS. Like faith-LESS. Not a batch of faith or caring … just less … a pinch … a mustard seed’s worth.
It’s not what I KNOW or BELIEVE that entangles me. It’s feelings. Out of the blue BLUES Emotions that grab me in their jaws, shaking me like an old rag doll. Shake away. I’m numb. Tired of wrestling with details Jud never missed in his sleep. Tired of trying to act tough enough. Tired of being told to “hold until the next available person” can handle my call. Fumbling with opening mail addressed to Dr. and Mrs. Jud Carlberg. No wonder I’m tired. Jud’s gone.
Today a visiting nurse called to check on Jud. She’s got a trip ahead of her. Hope she’s paid mileage. (It’s ok to laugh.)
Went to Danvers Town Hall (town where Jud died at Kaplan House) to clarify a BIG mistake. Death certificate lists MY social security #. No end to laughter around here! I’m officially dead. Time to pinch my cheeks, put on some lipstick, paint on some eyebrows … and look “permanently startled” when I confront the authorities. Someone needs to be more care-full.
As I write, Silent Night interrupts. My shield against total despair … Christmas music. “All is calm, all is bright.” Not too calm today … lots of errands, meetings. Be still. Be.
The Irish Tenors sing Amazing Grace. That’s not a Christmas song! Then again. If there were no Silent Night, Holy Night … no Mother and CHILD … No Amazing GRACE. “Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come. “twas Grace hath brought me safe thus far and Grace will lead me home.”
God of the Silent and Holy Night. God of Amazing Grace. Have mercy on this care-less child of yours. “Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come.” Thank you. You have “brought me safe thus far.” So grateful.
“Grace will lead me home.” Not any time soon, I hope. Our children and grandchildren tell me I’m needed. “Silent Night, Holy Night. All is calm …” Breathe Inhale LIFE. Exhale some of that care-less-ness.
Holy Care. I sense Jud, my fisherman “who art in heaven,” urging me to cast my cares and care-less-ness on the One who cares for me. (I Peter 5:7 in the Bible) Not so slothful I can’t cast, am I? Cast away, you weary and anxious one.
And then it happens Grace Amazing and more than enough. Because JESUS CARES about me about you.
26 Comments
Jan, I have to chuckle as I read:
"Went to Danvers Town Hall (town where Jud died at Kaplan House) to clarify a BIG mistake.
Death certificate lists MY social security #.
No end to laughter around here!
I’m officially dead.
Time to pinch my cheeks, put on some lipstick, paint on some eyebrows . . . and look “permanently startled" when I confront the authorities.
Someone needs to be more care-full."
So glad that is not true. It reminds me of the mistake MSU has made that they cannot seem to correct: Mrs. Carolyn Wilkie PHD. I have called, written and given up - just accepting their honorary degree. I had a whole different view of what "honorary degrees" were about. I get all kinds of mailings, and poor Bill gets none.
I have always loved your sense of humor amid our tears. I worketh good like a medicine.
Thanks Jan,
I have stopped all devotionals and only read your stuff - so, if I lose some rewards in heaven, I plan to throw you under the angelic bus. I have tried never to tell someone in grief I understand how they feel or what they must be going through (even though I did have an ingrown toenail once), because I can't and I don't. What I can say is I care and love you very much - Marty said I could say that. Stay close to the ONE who does understand and is able to love you deeply (where you need it), Blessings, Dale
Your CB friends have given such beautiful thoughts. You are enveloped in care which makes us
all grateful. Sometimes putting one foot in front of the other when numb or dis-spirited seems almost
impossible. You have shown us all what the ups and downs of the hills "feel" like. The Syriac version of
Scripture puts Prov. 3:6 this way. "Step by step, help came." You are living that, Janny.
Thought of you when I read this just now, Jan...♥
From *Streams in the Desert* by L.B. Cowman
Life is a steep climb, and it does the heart good to have somebody “call back” and cheerily beckon us on up the high hill. We are all climbers together, and we must help one another. This mountain climbing is serious business, but glorious. It takes strength and steady step to find the summits. The outlook widens with the altitude. If anyone among us has found anything worthwhile, we ought to “call back.”
If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back—
’Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track;
And if, perchance, Faith’s light is dim, because the oil is low,
Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.
Call back, and tell me that He went with you into the storm;
Call back, and say He kept you when the forest’s roots were torn;
That, when the heavens thunder and the earthquake shook the hill,
He bore you up and held you where the very air was still.
Oh, friend, call back, and tell me for I cannot see your face,
They say it glows with triumph, and your feet bound in the race;
But there are mists between us and my spirit eyes are dim,
And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.
But if you’ll say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry,
And if you’ll say He saw you through the night’s sin-darkened sky
If you have gone a little way ahead, oh, friend, call back—
’Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track.
—Selected
I was told once, when feeling emotionally bruised, that I should look at it as when I had been hurt physically- say a broken leg. My activity must change- cast, leg elevated, ice, pain meds, time..... We do that in order to heal. And it is OK! I was told that I must give myself permission to care for myself with changes in activity, and rest WITHOUT guilt. "Be still and know that I am God" Let His Amazing grace watch over you and sooth you and bring healing! I like Russel Bishops post. Sloth is permissible! : ) You will not stay in that place- strength will return.
Your posts remind me of psalms that express honestly the feelings and then proceed to God's truth and faithfulness. And God is glorified!! Thank you!!!
Christmas is a wretched time for many. How wonderful to be surrounded by people who love you, Jan!
I was thinking of you when we sang christmas carols in my Matthew course today, especially when singing verses 3 and 4 of It Came Upon a Midnight Clear: "And ye, beneath life's crushing load, whose forms are bending low, Who toil along the climbing way with painful steps and slow, Look now! for glad and golden hours come swiftly on the wing: O rest beside the weary road and hear the angels sing. For lo, the days are hast'ning on, by prophets seen of old, when with the ever-circling years shall come the time foretold, when peace shall over all the earth its ancient splendors fling and all the world give back the song which now the angels sing." Much love to you, Jan! Steve and family
Cheer up ye saint of God; if you're officially dead then sloth is permissible!
Dear dear Jan, I just sent you a note (snail mail) about God's great gift of numbness! Otherwise, the pain would be unbearable too much of the time. I hadn't yet seen your post today and not surprised that you mentioned numb. Time lapsing (a LONG time!) slowly slowly slowly brings back some "sanity" to somewhat dull the awful ache that seems more real than anything. May God's grace and mercy and the comfort of family and friends help bring you more and more and more peaceful moments.
Love,
Priscilla
Amidst the tears and the smiles...breathe in...breathe out...may HIS grace get you through...one moment at a time! Feel the love from Michigan, dear friend!
“ And now Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You”
Psalm 39:7
Although “I am afflicted and needy; the Lord thinks of me. You are my helper and my deliverer” Psalm 40:17 (HCSB)
There is no need to be strong on our own: God is strong when we are weak. And this is the hope, the HOPE we have, that He the one who was, is and will be…WILL BE. He loved us before we knew who He was, and He loves us now and will love us tomorrow. Such great love! There is no greater love.
Dearest Mamajan: God loves you!! And yes, God cares for you and for us! His 'Amazing Care' is greater than anything, and makes up for any we may be lacking. : - )
We keep our arms open wide for you and pray that: “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13 (HCSB). Our hope is in the Lord, He thinks of you every second and is with you this very moment.
Hugs and all our love to you!
Slogging through I am praying.
Have you read Kathleen Norris' Acedia and Me? About sloth. I identify
YOU are amazing grace...YOU are singing that song, the one God gave YOU to sing...even when it hurts to sing, you sing on! Sing on, Jan...like the Tenors only better! Praying here...Lord of all grace, grant grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace...
More tears, more laughter. More love being sent your way.
Oh my ... so real ... so amazing.
Virtual hugs until real hugs ... ((((hugs))))
Love,
Sue
Grateful for your insights. So much to bear. We reach out our arms to hold you up and our prayers to uphold you.
Much appreciation for your continued sharing. Much love for your honesty and bravery. God must understand the waxing and the waning of things like care and faith. After all he made the moon and the tides and the seasons and the night and day - waxing and waning, coming and going, rising and falling. much love.
Jan, your insights and sharing are amazing. And they are so helpful!
We love you. And you are very much in our hearts and prayers.
David and Joyce
“ And now Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You”
Psalm 39:7
Although “I am afflicted and needy; the Lord thinks of me. You are my helper and my deliverer” Psalm 40:17 (HCSB)
There is no need to be strong on our own: God is strong when we are weak. And this is the hope, the HOPE we have, that He the one who was, is and will be…WILL BE. He loved us before we knew who He was, and He loves us now and will love us tomorrow. Such great love! There is no greater love.
Dearest Mamajan: God loves you!! And yes, God cares for you and for us! His 'Amazing Care' is greater than anything, and makes up for any we may be lacking. : - )
We keep our arms open wide for you and pray that: “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13 (HCSB). Our hope is in the Lord, He thinks of you every second and is with you this very moment.
Hugs and all our love to you!
Slogging through I am praying.
Have you read Kathleen Norris' Acedia and Me? About sloth. I identify
YOU are amazing grace...YOU are singing that song, the one God gave YOU to sing...even when it hurts to sing, you sing on! Sing on, Jan...like the Tenors only better! Praying here...Lord of all grace, grant grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace...
More tears, more laughter. More love being sent your way.
Oh my ... so real ... so amazing.
Virtual hugs until real hugs ... ((((hugs))))
Love,
Sue
Grateful for your insights. So much to bear. We reach out our arms to hold you up and our prayers to uphold you.
Much appreciation for your continued sharing. Much love for your honesty and bravery. God must understand the waxing and the waning of things like care and faith. After all he made the moon and the tides and the seasons and the night and day - waxing and waning, coming and going, rising and falling. much love.
Jan, your insights and sharing are amazing. And they are so helpful!
We love you. And you are very much in our hearts and prayers.
David and Joyce