May Day! A Note From Jan.
Going crazy! At Costco yesterday I saw a tall man, white hair, resembling Jud in gait and build from behind. He took long steady strides like Jud, moving quickly towards the exit. So tempted to run after him, throw my arms around him and shout, “Surprise!” Didn’t do it! Didn’t want him to collapse in stark terror, nor did I want to try to explain myself to onlookers or security.
I knew it wasn’t Jud. But wished Jud would surprise me…whirl around, grab ahold of me and tuck me into those familiar arms. Wanted to look into those eyes, take in that smile that I’ve missed so much. But I kept a white-knuckled grip on the handle of the grocery cart, let the stranger escape unharmed, while I prepared to show my receipt and goods to the checker at the exit.
May Day! After all, it was the first day of May. Jud and I were engaged May 8, 1962 and Married May 31, 1963. Well, I’m over the impulse and back to something called normalcy…which sounds like a malady, a condition to be cured.
I think I’d curl up and die if I thought this was all there is. And yet, so often I’m brought back from the brink, usually by the grabbing grace of gratitude. I am thankful for what Jud and I had and also for this day and for Springtime and sunshine. This moment in May.
Kate frequently asks,”Is it still morning, Momo?” I don’t think she missed a day of inquiring that while we were together in Florida. She’s so eager that the day—the adventure—is still ahead.
I get her, though she’s 4 and I’m 74.
In Lamentations 3 I read, “(God’s) compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’”
Then, I sing, whether I feel like it or not. “Great is Thy Faithfulness. Great is Thy Faithfulness. Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord, unto me.”
Good news! It’s still morning, Kate.
7 Comments
Dear Jan,
"The grabbing grace of gratitude" really grabbed me! Joyce received the grace of gratitude from her father, helped perfect it in me, and it was passed along to our children, and now our grandchildren. There are fewer gifts we can bequeath to our children that are more God-like than thankfulness! Your thankfulness has blessed me! And I'm so thankful that you do not plan to curl up and die!!
Our love, David -- and Joyce
Dearest Mamajan: Yes, God is always faithful and loving. His mercies are new EVERY morning. This hope does not disappoint. We love you! R & S & L
No "sighting" that you have, dear friend, is ever wasted on us. Your deep missing resonates with
all who love you and we give thanks that the Holy Spirit is as close as your skin, and comes to
comfort with a grandchild, a sweet memory of God's faithfulness or Jud's love. And we say,
prepare us to be like Jan, dear Lord when we lose such a love.
Last night I was in a restaurant and saw a tall man with white hair and glasses and thought for a second it was Jud too. I also miss him!
I just want you to know I read everyone of these and pray on the spot that whatever crazy thing you are thinking or doing will be redeemed! And, of course, it always is because He is our redeemer.
With love, Dale
Rudyard Kipling wrote this in the wonderful poem "If":
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
to serve your turn long after they are gone,
and so hold on, though you have nothing in you
except the will that says to them, "Hang on."
May your heart and nerve and sinew serve you when you need to hold back from rushing into the arms of a tall, snowy-headed man!
Bless you.
Amen ... His faithfulness is such comfort for our souls. And we can therefore keep on keeping on - easy days and not so easy....
Love,
Priscilla